i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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