Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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