I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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