I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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