I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
