I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize