i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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