I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize