It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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