Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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