How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
