If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
