How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
