Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
