remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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