I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
