I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
