I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
