like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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