he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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