I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
