I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
