he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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