I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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