Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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