im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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