My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
