I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
