My room smells like vodka and shame
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
