I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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