Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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