My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
