just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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