I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I intend to get homeless drunk
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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