my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize