Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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