So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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