I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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