Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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