Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
