I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
