Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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