Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
