I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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