You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
