you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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