Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
