she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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