My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
