Your face is a jimmy john
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
