I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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