I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
