its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize