All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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