i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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